reality check

there was a very interesting op-ed piece in the new york times a few weeks ago, but before i share some of my thoughts related to it, allow me to state unequivocally at the beginning that i have been married to an amazing woman for over 16 years now! (the photo of us to the right is from our first year of marriage in 1991.)

amy is certainly more than i than i deserve — both in character and beauty. i don’t want anything that follows to cause anyone (especially her if she reads this) to doubt my love and commitment to her or the joy that can be found in the institution of marriage. that being clearly and said, i will continue.

marriage is not and was never meant to be one’s sole source of relational intimacy. (please note that i did not say “physical intimacy”! marriage is a holy covenant that one makes to another and i do not believe it leaves any room for sexual infidelity.) in many places around the world but especially in north america, marriage is viewed as the single relationship in life that opens the possibility for one’s total happiness and satisfaction. to not be married in our culture means that there is something wrong with you and that you have absolutely no chance at having a full life.

marriage is not relational nirvana but this is exactly what our culture tells us it is! this warped view of relational intimacy has significantly contributed to what can only be described as an epidemic of loneliness in our society and world. professor stephanie coontz, author of “marriage, a history: how love conquered marriage,” in her ny times editorial writes, (bold added)

…in the last century, Americans have put all their emotional eggs in the basket of coupled love. Because of this change, many of us have found joys in marriage our great-great-grandparents never did. But we have also neglected our other relationships, placing too many burdens on a fragile institution and making social life poorer in the process. A study released this year showed just how dependent we’ve become on marriage. Three sociologists at the University of Arizona and Duke University found that from 1985 to 2004 Americans reported a marked decline in the number of people with whom they discussed meaningful matters. People reported fewer close relationships with co-workers, extended family members, neighbors and friends. The only close relationship where more people said they discussed important matters in 2004 than in 1985 was marriage. In fact, the number of people who depended totally on a spouse for important conversations, with no other person to turn to, almost doubled, to 9.4 percent from 5 percent. Not surprisingly, the number of people saying they didn’t have anyone in whom they confided nearly tripled.

Too Close for Comfort - New York Times

before amy and i married, we discussed the nature marriage and of friendship and committed to one another that we would make our marriage one that empowered us to be better friends to others. we had witnessed so many newly wedded couples “disappear” from the lives of their friends and we did not want that to happen to us. we wanted our marriage to be a place were we would receive greater relational energy because of our marriage. marriage should increase our respective capacities to be a blessing to those around us — by god’s grace, we trust this has been the case.

i can certainly affirm that my deepest friendships have been a blessing to me and to amy (albeit indirectly in some cases). my significant friendships make me a healthier person and husband as well as father. they help me to see from perspectives other than my own and sharpen me to grow in areas of my life that i would be blissfully content to leave fallow.

in closing, i have many friends who are single. delving into the broad dynamics of singleness is beyond my purpose in this post, but if you are single and reading this entry, don’t wait for marriage to provide you with deeply satisfying relational intimacy! relational intimacy is not something to be saved for marriage. invest every resource you have into deepening your current friendships and create new ones with those you are drawn to today. don’t wait for the initiative of others! take risks of relational rejection and initiate, initiate, initiate.

It is in community that we come to see God in the other. It is in community that we see our own emptiness filled up. It is community that calls me beyond the pinched horizons of my own life, my own country, my own race, and gives me the gifts I do not have within me. -Joan Chittister